Never, ever ask Ed for help in love
by Scottie-195
Summary: Al had finally gotten his body back! He falls in love with a fellow cat lover and asks his brother for help.Little does Al know that Ed needs help with his relationship with Winry as well! Will Al finally win the fair lady's heart?


Disclaimer: I don't own Fullmetal Alchemist anime or manga…wish I did though XD My first Fullmetal Alchemist fanfic! Please review and tell me what you think. 

It had been several weeks now that Alphonse Elric had finally gotten his body back. Sure, at first all the tastes, scents, feelings and smells were overwhelming but he got over that pretty soon enough. Many people remark on how Edward and Alphonse can look so alike and different at the same time. Of course, one of the most blatantly cruel differences was that one brother was taller than the other by five inches. Guess which brother was the shorter one…..

Roy Mustang took a particular sadistic joy in reminding Ed of his vertical issues, especially now since his height challenges showed up more clearly than ever whenever he stood next to his _younger brother_. Havoc, Falman, Hughes, Breda and even Riza and Fuery had their fair share of tormenting Ed. Al almost felt sorry for his older brother. His sympathy evaporated somewhat when Ed managed to severely damage three quarters of the HQ seven times in a row in one day in his fury. Sometimes, when Ed was having his shortness-induced tantrum, Al had the urge to scream out that he actually didn't know who Edward Elric was and it was only a coincidence that they had the same surname. Didn't anyone understand how embarrassing it is to watch your _older _brother nearly blow up city after city just because someone said something with the barest link to the word 'short'? Didn't anyone know how mortifying it is to attend six court cases a day because your _older _brother had traumatized a little girl until she refused to step out from her house for a year just because she had innocently mentioned that she was almost as tall as him or something?

However, Al, though he was exasperated enough to wring his brother's neck, he wouldn't trade his big brother for anyone else in the world. Things just won't be the same without Ed's stubbornness or his infamous hot temper. Ed was as sensitive about his height as old women are about their age.

On one of his very rare fits of generosity, the colonel had decided to give the Elrics a two month break from military work to celebrate their victory of finally getting Al's body back. The brothers decided to spend their holiday at the Rockbell's. After all, Winry and Granny Pinako hadn't heard the good news yet. They would be overjoyed to see Al in flesh again. Ed had darkly predicted Winry and Pinako would have many comments on the height difference between him and Al. Of course, he was not disappointed. He could have sworn the entire freaking village had taken poke-fun-at-the-ULTRA-TINY-MIDGET-WHO-IS-SMALL-ENOUGH-TO-DROWN-IN-A-DROP-OF WATER lessons from Mustang.

The entire villages, especially the females, were delighted to see Al back in his body. All the females aged between ten and hundred absolutely loved him, much to his delight. He was rather unpopular with the ladies for the past three or four years of his life for obvious reasons: very few females found an oversized, hulking amour terribly dashing. Now, with his sweet, melting smile and his huge earnest eyes, he had become quite the favourite with the ladies, much to the annoyance of the other men. Some crazy, obsessed females had even started an Alphonse Elric fan club. Their daily activities? Stalk Al and the one who gets him to talk to her the longest wins for the day. A really fruitful, meaningful mission, won't you say?

Some of them even started an Edward Elric fan club too, but it was disbanded after their first meeting in a tangle involving lots of wrenches and one jealous, enraged mechanic.

Al always knew that his brother and Winry would get together one day. They were made for each other, although they didn't realize it until recently. But he _was_ talking about the most oblivious big brother on earth, was he? Now, Winry Rockbell and Edward Elric were an official couple. The way they had confessed to each other was… however… _unique_. For example:

The way normal people confessed:

_The boy and girl shyly walked side by side. The boy cautiously took the girl's hand and said, "There is something I have to tell you."_

_The girl flushed and nodded shyly. The boy screwed up his courage and said softly, "I really like you."_

_The girl gasped and flushed in embarrassment and joy. She smiled shyly and whispered back, "I like you too."_

_And then they kissed._

_And they lived happily ever after. _

The way Ed and Winry confessed:

_Ed had once again broken his automail arm. He was currently cowering under the table as Winry continued to rain blows on him with her trusty wrench. _

"_WHY? WHY? I JUST MADE YOU THAT ARM, YOU VERTICALLY CHALLENGED PIPSQUEAK!"_

"_I'M NOT SHORT, YOU AUTOMAIL OTAKU!"_

"_CHIBI!"_

"_MECHANIC GEEK!"_

"_TINY MUNCHKIN!"_

"_AUTOMAIL NERD!" _

"_DON'T YOU CALL ME THAT OR I'LL DECIDE TO INTRODUCE MY WRENCH TO YOUR ABNORMALLY THICK SKULL!"_

"_AND WHAT GIVES YOU A RIGHT TO WHACK ME WITH THAT &4a# WRENCH? YOU DON'T HIT AL OR ANYONE ELSE WITH IT!"_

_THWAK!_

"_BECAUSE YOU'RE A SPECIAL CASE! NO ONE IN HERE IS AS STUBBORN, AS PIG-HEADED, AS THICK-SKULLED, AS-"_

"_YOU NEVER HIT ANYONE ELSE BUT ME! EVEN THOSE PERVERTS WHO WERE HITTING ON YOU! WHY IS IT ALWAYS ME?"_

_THWAK!_

"_I TOLD YOU ALREADY, YOU STUBBORN LITTLE DWARF! YOU'RE A SPECIAL CASE!"_

"_WHY AM I A SPECIAL CASE, YOU FRICKIN' GEEK?"_

"_BECAUSE YOU ARE, YOU TINY SHRIMP!"_

"_WHY?"_

_THWAK!_

"_BECAUSE I BLOODY LIKED YOU SINCE WE WERE TEN, YOU UNDERSIZED LITTLE TWIT!"_

"_I AM NOT SHORT! AND SO WHAT? I LIKED YOU SINCE WE WERE NINE! IN YOUR FACE, YOU AUTOMAIL OBSESSED HAG! I BEAT YOU BY ONE YEAR! HAH!"_

_THAWAK!_

"_SHUT UP, SHORTY!" –blushes furiously- _

"_I AM NOT SHORT, AUTOMAIL FREAK!"-blushes furiously-_

_And they kissed._

_And they lived happily ever after. _

Al didn't _mean_ to listen at the keyhole. He just so happened to pass by the room and heard his brother and Winry yelling at each other. It can't be all that bad. After all, Pinako listened at the key hole with him as well. He lost five bucks to Pinako…they had made a bet.

So, to the surprise of everyone in the village, Edward Elric and Winry Rockbell were together. Sure, they weren't the cuddliest and sweetest couple in the village, in fact, many of their friends had wondered if they were trying to kill each other by the end of the year judging by the amount of wrenches, yelling and swearing their relationship involved. However,Al and Pinako and a few other close friends noted how Ed's usually determined golden eyes and Winry's bright blue eyes would soften whenever they glanced at each other.

One sunny day, Al panted as he dashed into the Rockbell house. Where was his big brother? He needed his help! Where was he? He ran upstairs and pulled open a door. Nope, he wasn't in his room. Wait, how about Winry's room? His big brother seemed to spend a lot of time there nowadays. Forgetting his usually articulate manners in his hurry, he dashed into Winry's room without knocking.

"Eeeeep!" squeaked Al, horrified, shielding his innocent, virgin eyes with his hands.

"I'm sooorryyyyy!" Al screamed, running out of the room while dodging a stream of wrenches and explicit curses.

A few hours later, his brother and Winry stomped downstairs, murder clearly gleaming in their eyes.

"Good evening, Al," smiled Winry in a cheerful sort of way that somehow appeared very, very homicidal.

"Eeeep!" Al squeaked again, ready to dive under the couch to dodge some soon-to-be-thrown wrench missiles.

"Why, hello, brother dear," greeted Ed, smiling lightly. Al gulped visibly. Politeness in his brother was a bad sign…..a _very _bad sign. The last time he was this polite, he had smashed the colonel's head into a toilet. An _unflushed_ toilet, might I add…

"Granny Pinako won't find out about that little incident, _would she_?" asked Winry, sweetly. Al could see her slim fingers visibly wrapping around something silver and glinting behind her back. He shivered visibly.

"Do I have a choice?" Al thought inwardly, sweat dropping.

"Would she?" Ed asked, still using that frighteningly polite voice. His face was a perfect picture of cheeriness. Only the abnormally large vein pop his in forehead foretold Al of his impending doom if he answered otherwise.

"O-Of course not, nii-san!" Al shrilled, panicked as Winry brought out her trusty wrench into full view with flourish.

"Good Al," nodded Ed approvingly, the vein pop shrinking slightly. Just slightly. "Were you looking for us? Was that why you burst into our –ahem- _Winry's _room without _knocking the door_?"

Damn, nii-san's still angry. Al gulped nervously. He never knew up to now how much he loved his life. "I-I-I wanted your help, nii-san," he stammered.

Ed raised an eyebrow suspiciously. "With what?" he demanded. If Al wanted his help saving _another_ kitten stuck up a tree fifty miles away _again_, he was going to have to borrow Winry's wrench to knock some senses into him. Ed could have sworn Al possessed what he called 'Kitty Senses'. Al could sense any useless flea-ridden fur ball in distress from the radius of a hundred miles. Ed was beginning to get tired of transmuting trees into grand oak staircases for the impudent felines who always seem to get stuck in trees. Al had insisted on the grand oak staircases, stating that the 'poor, kawaii kitties' deserved nothing less. Why must these flea-ridden, screeching felines keep climbing up trees if they can't get bloody down?

Alphonse Elric, the knight in shining amour. Ready to rescue all the kitties in distress. Has a nice ring to it, doesn't it?

"Well, you see….I thought you could help me...you seem to be experienced enough," mumbled Al, fidgeting slightly. Ed bristled in big brother pride.

"Of course, Al!" he grinned, cockily.

"You see, y-you know the girl who just moved in next door?" Al blushed and looked away. Ed, being Mr. I-can't-take-a-hint-if-my-life-depended-on-it didn't notice his brother's embarrassment and just said carelessly, "The batty girl you're such good friends with who keeps thousands of cats? Yeah, what about her?"

Al nodded and whispered with his face flushing inhumanly, "I think I've got feelings for her. I get butterflies in my stomach whenever I'm near her."

Even with this huge, colossal hint that would take remarkable talent to miss the idea, the great Fullmetal Alchemist somehow managed to slip through that as well. He intelligently stated, "You're just feeling odd because she keeps too many cats! Your nose cells are reacting violently to the amount of cat fur surrounding her being. Your nose is connected to your mouth, which is connected to your stomach, causing your stomach to flutter unceasingly whenever you're near her."

Al's jaw dropped as he gaped at his brother incredulously. Was he really related to that idiot? Winry seemed to be thinking along the same lines as her wrench 'made friends' with Ed's skull with a sickening crunch.

"YOU IDIOT!" she screamed. "AL PRATICALLY SPELLED THE WHOLE THING OUT FOR YOU ALREADY! DON'T YOU GET IT?"

Ed rubbed his head and glared at Winry. Wisely predicting another Ed-Winry grand battle, he hastily said, "Umm….you know how you told me you've got butterflies in your stomach whenever you're near Winry? I feel the same way."

Winry blushed and smiled slightly at Ed. Al sighed inwardly in relief; he had just helped preventing a brutal murder.

Ed however just snapped in reply, "I told you before those 'butterflies' were caused by my stomach having a chemical reaction with Winry's oil grease smell, didn't I?"

Al once again covered his innocent eyes and tried to block out his brother's screams of agony. Thank God Granny Pinako was out today. At least Al would have time to scrub the blood off the new carpet before she gets back

Several thuds, screams, curses and crunching later, the battle was over. Once again, Winry and her trusty wrench won the battle. Al decided it was safe to go on now. Hinting obviously won't get him anywhere with his brother so he muttered straightforwardly, "Onii-san," he began, face flushing "I want to tell you that I really, really like her."

Not even Ed could miss this one. His jaw dropped and his gaped at Al as if the fact that his little brother in love was as unbelievable as the colonel failing to get a date for the weekend.

"You-You what?" he spluttered. "You _like_ a girl?"

Brilliant, Sherlock Holmes. You've just found out your little brother's not gay. Al resisted the urge to roll his eyes.

"You-You want _my_ help?" Ed continues, his eyes widening.

Wow, he's getting smart, isn't he?

"Yes, onii-san," Al answered patiently. He was sighing inwardly. The Fullmetal Alchemist was well known for his uncannily observant ability to spot things other people can't see. Al had found a new one: The Fullmetal Alchemist, known for his uncanny ability to miss things other people can't possibly miss.

"Well," he looked uncertain. Al's heart was dropping. His big brother wasn't going to refuse after all the hard work he had went through to ask him, was he?

Ed grinned cockily again "-of course I would help my young, inexperienced brother! I have to make sure you don't screw up your first love, don't I?"

"-said the pint-sized pipsqueak who brought his girlfriend to an alchemy convention as their first date," muttered Winry, under her breath. Al heard her and grinned.

"Let's go planning, Al!" Ed announced, enthusiastically.

Winry pouted, feeling left out. "I'm helping Al too!" she declared, insistently. Ed sent her a slightly annoyed look.

"It's a boy thing. A girl won't understand," he told her, loftily.

Al groaned silently. You'd think living with a sensitive adolescent girlfriend armed with a powerful wrench would have taught Ed the meaning of the word _tact_ but noooooo. Predictably, a dull thunk and a colourful stream of curses followed.

"If it's a _girl _Al likes of course a _girl _would understand what a _girl_ wants!" argued Winry, wrench still in hand.

Ed glared at her, massaging the large bump on his head. "Oh give me a break. How many _girls_ spend their time oiling and polishing their wrenches and tools a hundred time a day?"

"Your point?" Winry's blue eyes narrowed "Are you saying I'm only half a girl?"

"Well, no… half doesn't even cover it; a quarter more like," said Ed, thoughtfully. Al winced, bracing himself for the usual banging-head-with-wrench and swearing-like-there's-no-tomorrow routine but to his surprise, a total silence followed. Al cracked open his eyes, just in time to see Winry's pretty blue eyes fill with tears before silently walking out of the house.

"Way to go, onii-san," muttered Al, sarcastically. Ed just scowled with a troubled look in his deep gold eyes. 'What did I do wrong?" he asked, sounding as if he were talking to himself. Al was torn between exasperation and pity at his brother's utter obliviousness. He was seriously reconsidering asking Ed for love advice in future.

Al considered telling his brother what he did wrong, but no. Ed had to solve his own problems. "Go after her, onii-san," he said, simply. Ed flashed a look at Al before swiftly running out the door.

Al waited until his brother was far enough not to hear him before quietly following after them as well. He was merely concerned about his brother and Winry, that's all! His brother's golden head was visible, even in a distance. Wait, was that Winry sitting on the patch of grass over there in front of his brother? Quickening his pace, he quietly sprinted behind a bush just next to his brother's left leg.

"-look, I'm sorry. I don't know what I did wrong but I'm sorry," Ed was saying, panicked at the sight of Winry in tears.

Winry sniffed slightly. "It's not your fault it's mine! Y-you were right….I'm not in the least feminine. I-I'm just a coarse, rough tomboy…I _am_ only a-a quarter of a girl!"

With that, she buried her face into her knee and sobbed. Ed looked so helpless that Al almost went out and gave him a hug. Ed scanned around, as if looking for help. Ironically, he apparently did. Brightening slightly, he went towards a rose patch nearby and plucked out a single red rose.

Al saw Ed taking a deep breath before rather hesitantly shaking Winry's shoulder. Winry looked up and her puffy eyes widened when she saw the rose. Ed twitched slightly before very uncomfortably saying, "Look at this rose, Winry. See it's all beautiful and-and attractive?" Winry nodded, slightly confused.

"See those thorns?" he asked, pointing at the sharp little daggers. Winry nodded again and gasped when Ed scrapped his flesh finger against a sharp thorn until it bled. Ed rambled on clumsily, "W-Well, the rose is real-real pretty and all, but without those thorns it would look kinda weak and-and defenseless, don't you think? The thorns make the rose more beautiful because it gives the rose a-a-a stronger personality…"

Ed blushed slightly and gave an extremely awkward grin, "You're like the rose and your wrenches are like the thorns."

There was a pause, then, Ed winced as he saw Winry standing up with a wrench in her hand. Had he said something wrong again? He knew he had said the wrong things! He braced himself for the skull smashing impact but it never came. Instead, he felt the wrench lightly tapping his golden head.

"You baka," he heard Winry mumble softly. However, he caught the light blush and the small, sweet smile on her tear-stained face.

Behind the bush, Al was grinning like a fool. Where on earth had his brother picked up a cheesy line like that? Maybe the colonel's been tutoring him or something. Yeah, that's right…the colonel was quite capable of making any member of the female species from age 5 to 50 sigh dreamily and go starry-eyed with a single corny sentence like "Your daddy must've been a thief because he stole the stars and put them into your eyes" or "Your eyes make the finest sapphires look like dust and your lips make the most exquisite rubies look like dry sand."

Al stared thoughtfully into space. Maybe he'dask forhis brother'shelp after all. It was already an utterly astonishing achievement that his brother had the romantic imagination to dredge up a corny line like that. The most mind blowing thing was that he actually pulled it off without sounding like an idiot….well…not entirely…but at least he sounded entirely sincere! Unlike a certain colonel who uses the same cheesy line on twenty different women in a week.

That night, Pinako grounded all of them and refused to give them any dinner because Al had forgotten to scrub the blood off the new carpet in his haste to spy on his brother and Winry. Ed was melodramatically contemplating death by starvation already until Winry got so fed up with his whining she told him if he was that hungry she would get some milk for him. After that, he was as quiet as the colonel after Riza had fired a shot at him for burning the paperwork.

"So," Al said, desperate to break the uncomfortable silence in the room "Um, could you all give me any love advice then?"

Ed rubbed his chin thoughtfully before saying, "Impress her with your alchemy."

"No!" exclaimed Winry "You must do something sincere for her, something you've _made_ with your own hands. Alchemy is cheating!"

"So, what do _you_ think he should give her?" snapped Ed, glaring "As if you would know what a normal girl would like!"

"I do too!" Winry glared back "Give her a bouquet of sparkling wrenches, Al. No girl can resist the cold yet powerful feel of a wrench and its bittersweet metal smell! It'll melt her heart for sure!"

"……I rest my case," mumbled Ed, rolling his eyes. Even Al sweat dropped a little. Somehow, he doubted a sweet girl who keeps thousands of adorable kitties who probably never touched anything remotely related to mechanics and the closest she ever got to greasy, oily hands was when she applied her facial cream would ever find uses of a bouquet of wrenches.

"Oh, so what do _you _suggest, Ed?" Winry demanded.

"Chocolates…only choose the brand with no milk included or she'll dump you for sure," Ed replied, shuddering as he always did whenever the 'M' word was mentioned.

"Chocolate is fattening," Winry pointed out, smugly "How about a box of nuts and screws? It'll make an adorable gift! I'm sure she'd love it."

Ed and Al exchanged a fleeting –uh-oh-Winry's- in-mecha-mode look.

"Winry," Al began, patiently "I don't think she'd like or need anything like that. She's not a mechanic, Winry."

"So what?" demanded Winry, enthusiastically "There are many other uses for nuts and screws!"

"That sounds kind of twisted…and suggestive" thought Al, reddening slightly.

"Oh, go and get her some pathetically sweet teddy bear or something," Ed scowled, waving his hand dismissively "Girls seem to like those fluffy dust collectors for some odd reason."

"No teddy bear!" Winry cried "Teddy bears symbolizes comfort from the boy whenever the girl is lonely but this girl had thousands of cats to keep her company. She won't need a stuffed toy for comfort. She'd probably chuck it in the far end of her wardrobe and forget about it."

Al decided Winry had a pretty fair point. It was no point giving the girl something she won't need.

"-I suggest a brightly polished automail! Its beautiful artificial muscles rippled out in the sun, it's fresh, sharp smell of metal, the graceful, smooth movements…. AAHHH! Automail is so wonderful!" shrieked Winry, excitedly.

"Automail otaku," muttered Ed, scowling. "And where, pray tell, do we attach the automail? She has all her limbs in perfect order."

"If you want, I can do something about _that_," bubbled Winry "After all, anyone would prefer wonderful automail limbs compared to boring old flesh limbs!"

Al and Ed could have sworn they saw a gleam in Winry's eyes. Uh oh, she wasn't planning anything drastic wasn't she? Both had rather disturbing mental pictures by now.

"Ermm…no thanks Winry," Al said, trying not to panic. Winry could be _very_ determined once it came to her Automail Ideas. Winry looked deeply disappointed. Al and Ed sighed in relief.

At long last, there was an idea all three of them agreed on! Al felt like cheering. All three of them had been up nearly all night, Winry and Ed sniping each other's suggestions to dust. Al had been regretting asking them for help in the fist place.

Why Ed agreed: Because it had to be transmuted.

Why Winry agreed: Because it was made out of metal.

Why Al agreed: It was going to take a form of a cat.

It was a bright sunny day when Al walked towards the house next door. He had made sure to lock both Ed and Winry in the tool shed to make sure they won't come spying on him. It wasn't that bad…Al was certain that his brother and Winry would find a way to 'occupy' themselves all alone in the dark, private shed. Not to mention the shed was soundproof as well…cough.

The house came into view as well as a sea of cats roaming all over it. Al waded over the sea of fur towards a young girl busy grooming her six hundredth cat or something. Al gulped nervously…it was now or never!

"Um, good morning!" he croaked, awkwardly. The girl heard him and turned around to see a blushing Al.

"Why, Alphonse-kun! How nice to see you!" she greeted, smiling sweetly. "What brings you over to my house this early in the morning?"

"Here, this is for you!" he mumbled, practically shoving the small metal cat statue into her face. He closed his eyes, waiting for her reaction.

"Oh, Alphonse-kun! It's so beautiful!" she smiled, delighted. She hugged the cat statue into her chest. Al grinned sheepishly.

"You're always being so nice to me, Alphonse-kun," she said " You helped me hunt for Nikki all night when he got lost, you helped me carry back my cat supplies from the shop and you did so many other things for me. You're really a sweetie."

Al's breath hitched when he felt her warm, soft hand against his cheek. She was staring deep into his eyes. "She had such pretty brown eyes," Al thought, blushing furiously.

"You know, I've been wanting to ask you something," she whispered into Al's ear. Al gulped, nodding vigorously.

"You'll be perfect. You're loving, you're sweet and you're compassionate. No one else can do this except you. You're the perfect one for this, I'm sure of it! I won't trust any other man but you," she continued, caressing his chest soothingly. "Alphonse-kun, how would you like to be a member of my family of cats?"

"Whoa, she's talking about marriage so quickly!" Al flushed inwardly, but he nodded eagerly.

"Close your eyes, Alphonse-kun," she requested, softly. Al closed his eyes and held his breath. He felt something warm slowly coming near his face. He felt the warm breathe on his cheek…could it be?

Wait, wasn't that fur rubbing against his face?

"Alphonse-kun , meet Miko-chan!" Al's eyes flew open and stared right into the green eyes of a black kitten.

"I don't know what to do with her. My boyfriend's coming over tomorrow and he hates black cats," she said, brightly "Would you keep her please? She'll love you and I know you two would get along great!"

Al gaped at her. But all she said was, "Well, take her home! I'm kind of busy cleaning the house for my boyfriend so off you go!"

The girl practically shoved Al and the kitten out off her garden. Al slowly walked back home. He stared at the kitten. The kitten cuddled against him and purred. Al brightened and hugged it closer.

Well, Al had lost his love but he gained a kitty. He would call that an Equivalent Exchange any day.

Wait till Miko-chan sees her nine hundred new siblings Al kept secretly in Ed's room.

What? It's not like Ed slept in his own room anymore…..


End file.
